That's It, I've Had It!

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That’s It, I’ve Had It!

One night my kids were full of energy at bedtime. As I turned off their light, I could hear their little giggles and whispering. After numerous warnings to quiet down and go to sleep, I realized the need to pull out all the stops with the traditional mom’s version of giving and receiving. I shouted to the other room, "You better go to sleep or you're gonna get it when I come in there!" They settled down for a few minutes so I jumped in the shower, washed my hair and applied my routine mud mask to my face. I threw on my very comfortable but not so sexy hospital scrubs that I love to sleep in, as well as a nice towel around my wet hair.

From the other room, I heard my kids, once again, getting more and more rambunctious. "That's it. I've had it!" I thought. "I'm going in there to show them who's boss!"

With the mud mask still on my face and towel on my head, I stormed into their room, sternly told them to go to sleep, offering severe warnings to the next person who chose to disobey.

They immediately froze in their beds, without a sound. When leaving the room, I just about fell over when my 5 year old daughter said, with a shaky voice, "Who was that?"

When you have the opportunity to correct your children, is your communication style working? Are you getting through? Do they understand your language? Or do you continue to speak when no one is listening?

I encourage you today to stop and make sure you are being "heard" and speaking a language your family, co-workers, and friends really understand.

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Kendra Bonnett on January 4, 2009 at 10:09am

What a funny story. Reminds me of the many times my mother would threaten by first pounding on the wall. When we heard the sliding door fly open at the end of my parents' wing of the house...well we shut up. She came into our hallway and you'd have thought we'd been asleep (like perfect little angels) for hours.

But Staci your story takes the cake. So how do you know that you are being heard in the various forum of your life. Have you ever started to tell a story at a party or the dinner table, only to have someone suddenly interrupt and speak over you? Clearly on those occasions we're not getting through. What's your advice? I know it's not a matter of upping the volume. Or lowering the volume to the point where others must strain to hear.

I think you've opened a great thread for discussion.

Permalink Reply by Staci Wallace on January 9, 2009 at 1:36am

Hi Kendra,

Great question. I would say that a great rule of communication is to "seek to understand" and not just be "understood". With that said, there are those times when you really do need to be heard. My advice is to just throw your body on the floor and start kicking your feet and screaming like a two year old! Just Kidding!!!! Although, sometimes it seems like that is what it would take to get through to some people.

Here are three tips:

1. Keep eye contact with the person you are engaging.
2. Read their body language to make sure you are speaking to their desires and needs
3. Speak their language. In other words, if they are a Type A personality and more "to the point", don't make your stories drawn out and fluffy. Just get to the point. If you are talking to a Sanguine who loves everything to be fun, make your communication style colorful. If you are talking to a Melancholy who likes details, then don't cut corners, give the full facts.

Obviously, I could go on, but these are a great start. We cover a lot of this in our communications workshops and professional speakers course. They seem simple, but they are invaluable to effective communications.

:)

Permalink Reply by Staci Wallace on January 9, 2009 at 1:42am

Hi Kendra,

Great question. You asked, "How can you get through to people, in conversations, when they seem to not be following your conversational lead or appear distracted?"

I would say that a great rule of communication is to "seek to understand" and not just be "understood". Also, make sure that you are "listening" to their needs so that the communication you offer is relevant to them.

With that said, there are those times when you really do need to be heard and you feel you have something important that needs to be said. So what do you do? My advice is to just throw your body on the floor and start kicking your feet and screaming like a two year old! Just Kidding!!!! Although, sometimes it seems like that is what it would take to get through to some people.

Here are three tips for effective communication:

1. Keep eye contact with the person you are engaging. If you try to communicate with others and have an issue going "eye to eye", that is a confidence skill you need to work on. Eye contact is powerful.

2. Read their body language to make sure they are ready to receive. One's body language can give you clues to their needs, wants, and intentions. Body language often speaks louder than words.

3. Speak their language. In other words, if they are a Type A personality and more "to the point", don't make your stories drawn out and fluffy. Just get to the point. If you are talking to a Sanguine who loves everything to be fun, make your communication style colorful and full of detail. If you are talking to a Melancholy who is laid back and slow, then don't hammer them with fast talk and drama.

Obviously, I could go on, but these are a great start. We cover a lot of this in our communications workshops and professional speakers course. They seem simple, but they are invaluable to effective communications.

:)

Permalink Reply by EMGooGoo on January 12, 2009 at 8:10pm

A long, long time ago...We were on a family drive while my kids were still young. They were in the back seat with a snack to occupy them. My son was drinking a chocolate malt out of one of those Styrofoam cups. Everything was going well until I heard the “Oops!” I spun around, and the nerves that connect my brain to my mouth were overloaded by the sight of the straw poking through that Styrofoam cup! The malt was already on the leather seats and the carpet! Now my son was really too young to have had the forethought not to do that, and it is not like that was the first time, but again, my thought process was simply short-circuited. I blurted out: “Nobody is allowed to eat again!” I was my parents! Now, as the words were coming out of my mouth, I knew that they were wrong. First, I meant to say: “Nobody is allowed to eat in the car again!” Not that it would have been a better statement, but it is possible to survive without eating in the car. It was suddenly very quiet in the car. I just said: “Ok, nobody say anything at all!” That lasted about 30 seconds, and then everyone burst out into laughter. The mess was all easily cleaned, and we still had a great day.

I was not proud of my reaction, but I did learn from it. I learned to keep my “knee jerk” reactions to myself, and take a little time to try and see the bigger picture. This is something that I have to practice every day. It helped while raising kids, and it has been invaluable in my career. It is important to teach our kids how to behave through discipline, but it is equally important to teach them how to behave by example. Our reactions become their reactions. I know because I have seen my parents in me, and I have seen me in my children. When I look at my kids, I want to see my best qualities in them.

How do you want to see yourself in your kids?

Permalink Reply by Baya Gatter on February 10, 2009 at 10:40am

Staci, what a wonderful story. I find that for most of us when we ask our children to do something, after the 3rd request, it is like a faint echo. What I find that is very effective, is when you go up individually to your children and converse with them directly face to face. There are no distractions, they are looking and listening to your directly, you do not have to repeat yourself, raise your voice or stress yourself out. I'm not saying it works 100% of the time cause I will still get that "yeah mom, got ya", or "yeah mom, later", but it is quite effective the majority of the time. Cheers, Baya

Permalink Reply by Leslie Wheeler on April 19, 2009 at 10:30pm